the girl next door

I've wanted to be everything from a ballet dancer to a photographer, a travel agent. I wanted to be a jockey, a vet, flight attendant, and a psychologist was my almost final decision. I never really thought about doing what I do until a teacher strongly advised me to go into the field I'm in. Now I'm in it. Certain aspects of it are unbeatable: that I'm totally in control of my destiny and that I can choose to do it very, very well or hack my way through it. If I choose the later, I know the consequences would be severe...so I hardly consider the later a choice but it is nice to know I have one.

I spent an hour or so mind traveling tonight. I next to never watch TV anymore since I've been convinced it is a total waste of time. .......Mind traveling as in Flickr.com most interesting photos. I spent my time in India, Africa and people watching. Very few people have the gift to capture a moment. I saw 3 photos out of a couple thousand that were truly beautiful. I want to be that photographer. This is on my to-do list.

I hate it when the girl next door interrupts my train of thought with her 10:30 fuck.

I also hate it when I have this endless craving to unleash my creative energy but feel held back. I feel held back because my energy needs to be transmitted into some type of extremely foreign traveling destination/challenge. A place that isn't easy to get by without some major transformation. India. Africa. Thailand. China.
The thing is..is that I can't just go there. I can. yes. it is technically possible. but would that be a wise decision for me? I bet I would be in a constant panic. I'm supposed to let go and just explore on a trip like that. I want to take a train in China by myself and roam the country-side. I walked into a book store tonight and bought 5 traveling guides; each to a different destination. Each a dollar. Store was going out of business.

I don't really like most people on a deep level. I choose not to have a lot of friends because I find most people to be interesting until I really get to know them. After that, I just don't care what the fuck they want to do because I would rather be by myself than with someone that thinks TV is cooler than going for a walk. I miss him real bad. He took me for walks. He brought back the important things in my life like nature and simplicity. Things I ran from out of pain. I ran to NYC when I was 19 to get away from where I grew up in the country. Actually not to get away from the country at all. To get away from my home life and the dead end it proposed to me. When I was little, my dad took us on nature walks all the time. I forgot how much I missed it. He brought that back. I'll never forget the feeling I had when he showed me how to feed the stingray at the Aquarium. It was like I was in heaven.

I have about 5 very close friends that live all over the US. My favorite lives in Hawaii. Number 2 is in Cincinnati, 3 in Virginia, 4 in Florida and 5 in Colorado. I have met so many interesting people that I would definitely choose to spend my time with, except we were not close enough when I left NY to keep it in motion. I hate the fact that I am so fucking picky about my friends. Here, I have 1 person that I really like and spend my time with. She is moving to Europe in June. I have no idea where I'll be. Colorado is beautiful but I feel like I'm living in a box. I guess that is my choice though. I need to move to re-inspire my creativity again. I HATE MONOTONY. That is my version of HELL. There is a huge universe out there. Why and HOW do people stay in the same place their whole life? I'm sure it is in my genes because I feel like a rat in cage after my fifth year living here. I can see the beauty but my soul is screaming for change.... So. where will it be? I have a job offer in Singapore. Maybe Missouri. Texas.