fuck you

I just started blogging since it seems like there is just never gonna be a better way to get this shit outa my head. Fuck. I don't know where to begin since I've already begun too many times, actually finished..then deleted it anyway in fear that someone might just figure it all out..somehow on some fantasy land where suddenly everyone is smart enough or cares enough to put two and two together and figure out that I'm not as held together as one might think. What the hell is "two and two?" Who says that anyway?

I would definitely be able to put myself in that category without hesitation. I'm talking about the category of appearing totally in control to the people that matter to my career and reputation. At least I think they think these things..since the people I do eventually get close to always tell me I shock them once they really get to know me. I think I have it down and I think I have let them down.

I hate talking about myself in a good way. Yeah. I was brought up in a house of extremes. If we said good things about ourselves, that meant that we were stuck up and self-centered. Now, since I've practiced this my entire life, I have a hard time thinking good things too. I have no trouble faking it though. Damn. One of my fucking favorite things to do is dress up and be someone I'm not. I can feel the respect and admiration that I don't ever feel for myself. Acting in control balances it all out. I mean, I can think the worst fucking shit in the world about myself and go to my place of control and make it all right in a matter of 3 minutes focus time. That is where I like to be most in the whole world. Except one other place. traveling to far away lands. I think about going to somewhere exotic every single day of my life to start over. Every single day it crosses my mind. I have the money to go and live for a month or two somewhere like Thailand or even Australia. If I were to go, back to basics would be my focus. This could destroy the career I've spent 17 years preparing for that still really hasn't taken hold. Sometimes I think it just might never take hold.

God, I love daydreaming about my trip to the islands in Thailand. People from all over the world are there at all times of the year. They are even there when I'm here in this dead apartment, living my dead life. Some people just live there and do that everyday of their lives. I mean, serve totally awesome coffee in the tiny outside huts. Or the people that make the food for the tourists. What would that be like? I can only imagine. Lonely. Distant. Confused. Lost.
Those nights in Phuket were so warm. The rock formations were massive. They took my breath away when I first saw them. The beaches and the water. The water was so clear that I could stare down to my feet and see them perfectly. The sand was so fine and white between my toes and I would squish it between them because it felt so good. I went down to the water's edge and just layed in the sand under the hot sun, closing my eyes in pure peace. I never felt so much freedom. And the monkeys. The baby monkey's wanted our food. It made me cry because it was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

So now I'm finished with my master's degree and practicing all the time for a job that I don't have. I loved being in school since I could always run there to get away from myself. I could run away from this fucking hell of being with myself all the time to a place where I traveled away..far far away from this place inside my head. I remember sitting in the office and staring out at the mountains daydreaming about how I was going to find my way back to NY one day, even if I died getting there. Somehow, those daydreams brought me peace. These days, there is no peace. Not even with the daydreams of Thailand.

If it were possible and you wanted me to, I would walk to Africa to find you. That is, in a world where I was that one person who had the power to take away all the fucked-up things she did to you to make you despise me.