the girl next door

I've wanted to be everything from a ballet dancer to a photographer, a travel agent. I wanted to be a jockey, a vet, flight attendant, and a psychologist was my almost final decision. I never really thought about doing what I do until a teacher strongly advised me to go into the field I'm in. Now I'm in it. Certain aspects of it are unbeatable: that I'm totally in control of my destiny and that I can choose to do it very, very well or hack my way through it. If I choose the later, I know the consequences would be severe...so I hardly consider the later a choice but it is nice to know I have one.

I spent an hour or so mind traveling tonight. I next to never watch TV anymore since I've been convinced it is a total waste of time. .......Mind traveling as in Flickr.com most interesting photos. I spent my time in India, Africa and people watching. Very few people have the gift to capture a moment. I saw 3 photos out of a couple thousand that were truly beautiful. I want to be that photographer. This is on my to-do list.

I hate it when the girl next door interrupts my train of thought with her 10:30 fuck.

I also hate it when I have this endless craving to unleash my creative energy but feel held back. I feel held back because my energy needs to be transmitted into some type of extremely foreign traveling destination/challenge. A place that isn't easy to get by without some major transformation. India. Africa. Thailand. China.
The thing is..is that I can't just go there. I can. yes. it is technically possible. but would that be a wise decision for me? I bet I would be in a constant panic. I'm supposed to let go and just explore on a trip like that. I want to take a train in China by myself and roam the country-side. I walked into a book store tonight and bought 5 traveling guides; each to a different destination. Each a dollar. Store was going out of business.

I don't really like most people on a deep level. I choose not to have a lot of friends because I find most people to be interesting until I really get to know them. After that, I just don't care what the fuck they want to do because I would rather be by myself than with someone that thinks TV is cooler than going for a walk. I miss him real bad. He took me for walks. He brought back the important things in my life like nature and simplicity. Things I ran from out of pain. I ran to NYC when I was 19 to get away from where I grew up in the country. Actually not to get away from the country at all. To get away from my home life and the dead end it proposed to me. When I was little, my dad took us on nature walks all the time. I forgot how much I missed it. He brought that back. I'll never forget the feeling I had when he showed me how to feed the stingray at the Aquarium. It was like I was in heaven.

I have about 5 very close friends that live all over the US. My favorite lives in Hawaii. Number 2 is in Cincinnati, 3 in Virginia, 4 in Florida and 5 in Colorado. I have met so many interesting people that I would definitely choose to spend my time with, except we were not close enough when I left NY to keep it in motion. I hate the fact that I am so fucking picky about my friends. Here, I have 1 person that I really like and spend my time with. She is moving to Europe in June. I have no idea where I'll be. Colorado is beautiful but I feel like I'm living in a box. I guess that is my choice though. I need to move to re-inspire my creativity again. I HATE MONOTONY. That is my version of HELL. There is a huge universe out there. Why and HOW do people stay in the same place their whole life? I'm sure it is in my genes because I feel like a rat in cage after my fifth year living here. I can see the beauty but my soul is screaming for change.... So. where will it be? I have a job offer in Singapore. Maybe Missouri. Texas.

fuck you

I just started blogging since it seems like there is just never gonna be a better way to get this shit outa my head. Fuck. I don't know where to begin since I've already begun too many times, actually finished..then deleted it anyway in fear that someone might just figure it all out..somehow on some fantasy land where suddenly everyone is smart enough or cares enough to put two and two together and figure out that I'm not as held together as one might think. What the hell is "two and two?" Who says that anyway?

I would definitely be able to put myself in that category without hesitation. I'm talking about the category of appearing totally in control to the people that matter to my career and reputation. At least I think they think these things..since the people I do eventually get close to always tell me I shock them once they really get to know me. I think I have it down and I think I have let them down.

I hate talking about myself in a good way. Yeah. I was brought up in a house of extremes. If we said good things about ourselves, that meant that we were stuck up and self-centered. Now, since I've practiced this my entire life, I have a hard time thinking good things too. I have no trouble faking it though. Damn. One of my fucking favorite things to do is dress up and be someone I'm not. I can feel the respect and admiration that I don't ever feel for myself. Acting in control balances it all out. I mean, I can think the worst fucking shit in the world about myself and go to my place of control and make it all right in a matter of 3 minutes focus time. That is where I like to be most in the whole world. Except one other place. traveling to far away lands. I think about going to somewhere exotic every single day of my life to start over. Every single day it crosses my mind. I have the money to go and live for a month or two somewhere like Thailand or even Australia. If I were to go, back to basics would be my focus. This could destroy the career I've spent 17 years preparing for that still really hasn't taken hold. Sometimes I think it just might never take hold.

God, I love daydreaming about my trip to the islands in Thailand. People from all over the world are there at all times of the year. They are even there when I'm here in this dead apartment, living my dead life. Some people just live there and do that everyday of their lives. I mean, serve totally awesome coffee in the tiny outside huts. Or the people that make the food for the tourists. What would that be like? I can only imagine. Lonely. Distant. Confused. Lost.
Those nights in Phuket were so warm. The rock formations were massive. They took my breath away when I first saw them. The beaches and the water. The water was so clear that I could stare down to my feet and see them perfectly. The sand was so fine and white between my toes and I would squish it between them because it felt so good. I went down to the water's edge and just layed in the sand under the hot sun, closing my eyes in pure peace. I never felt so much freedom. And the monkeys. The baby monkey's wanted our food. It made me cry because it was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

So now I'm finished with my master's degree and practicing all the time for a job that I don't have. I loved being in school since I could always run there to get away from myself. I could run away from this fucking hell of being with myself all the time to a place where I traveled away..far far away from this place inside my head. I remember sitting in the office and staring out at the mountains daydreaming about how I was going to find my way back to NY one day, even if I died getting there. Somehow, those daydreams brought me peace. These days, there is no peace. Not even with the daydreams of Thailand.

If it were possible and you wanted me to, I would walk to Africa to find you. That is, in a world where I was that one person who had the power to take away all the fucked-up things she did to you to make you despise me.